Tools
Currently reading:
Bury Our Bones in the Midnight Soil by V. E. Schwab
Out There Screaming, edited by Jordan Peele
An American Sunrise by Joy Harjo
One Day, Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This by Omar El Akkad [as an...audiobook?]
Books finished this week: 0
Library updates:
I don’t know, y’all. I had some cheeky ideas floating around for this post earlier in the week, about how I’ve been writing more consistently since the dawn of the new year, and how I’m planning to make 2026 the year I become an Audiobook Person. And then federal agents murdered a woman in cold blood, for doing nothing more than existing in a space and trying to help her neighbors, and none of that felt right.
Even writing that feels shitty, because who the fuck cares about how I feel right now? Renee Good was murdered. Venezuela was invaded. How many tens of thousands of Palestinians have been slaughtered in a genocide basically all the world’s power have chosen to ignore? How many people have died whose names we don’t know and never will, in our own country and around the world, in the name of American greatness and supremacy?
I feel like a tool even writing that. What the fuck do I have to add to any of this?
I had therapy Friday night and told my therapist how I just feel overwhelmed and helpless in the face of...well, everything. We talked at length about how my anxiety often sends me into guilty spirals, about everything from whether or not to visit my parents on a particular weekend to what the fuck to do when actively living under a fascist regime. She reminded me that I’ve worked hard to break myself out of those patterns before, and I’ll just have to do it again now. That I have the tools to help myself and then help others, and maybe I just need to remind myself of that, and expand what I have in the toolbox.
One of my goals before we meet next is to make a checklist of things to do to help snap myself out of a spiral——the tools at my disposal. Here’s what I’m planning to do, in case it’s helpful to you:
Research local Queens organizations in need of volunteers. I’m always happy to donate money and supplies, but I want to get out and do something, so finding a place to get out and help is top of the list for the next week or two.
Stay informed——but not to the point of endless, unhelpful, worrisome scrolling. I’m going to try to read the news or listen to NPR in the mornings, and stay up-to-date throughout the day, but I want to stop letting an algorithm rule my knowledge. I know social media can be a powerful tool for spreading awareness of collective actions, but I personally need to limit my time on it to avoid spiraling, freezing, and then doing absolutely nothing about anything.
Meditate. Or, honestly, just breathe.
Journal. Just dump all the feelings. I’m always more calm and focused after I let out every thought in a place that feels private, safe, and free of judgment. Sometimes, you just have to say some shit, and no one else has to know about it.
Text friends. And if that isn’t enough, and they’re up for it, call them. I tend to isolate when I get overwhelmed, but community is so important (and, as I’ve said in previous missives, is something I’m actively looking to build for myself). I want to get better at recognizing when I can’t handle it alone, and then reach out to the people I love to ask if they’re able to take on some venting.
Take a walk or otherwise move my body from where it is. Try to shake some thoughts loose, expel some of the heavy feelings, and just feel like I’m part of the world.
Closing thoughts:
That’s all I’ve got. Take care of yourselves ❤️
Total books read from the Moratorium Library: 190
(Total books added to the Moratorium Library: 406)
Earlier this week, I was going to an event not far from the Center for Fiction. I had hoped I’d get to the area with enough time to sit at the Center’s cafe and do some work editing before heading to the event, but I only had maybe ten minutes to kill when I got there. I decided to just wander the bookstore, and found this on the new fiction arrivals table:
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And a brief note on audiobooks: I understand that by buying and consuming audiobooks, I’m actively not reading the physical books I own. But, for the moment, I’ve decided not to count audiobooks toward the overall count of books added to the Library. Audiobooks don’t take up physical space in my apartment, so they aren’t contributing to the problem. I also don’t foresee myself fully transitioning to an audio-only person. If I do, then I’ll count the audiobooks retroactively. But, at the moment, it’s physical books that are the problem——or the blessing, depending on your outlook. So I’ll just keep counting those bad boys, and only those bad boys.
(Though will I count audiobooks toward the count of books read? Absolutely. It’s my blog, and I’ll do what I want.)
