Most Ardently
Currently reading:
Heavenly Bodies by Imani Erriu
Playing in the Dark by Toni Morrison
Magicicada by Claire Milliken
Books finished this week: 1
★★★☆☆
Where this book came from: Thriftbooks!
Why this book: Read this for a reading group based around “bad education.”
Thoughts: I kind of felt like this was going to be a three-star read from the start, but I was willing to be persuaded otherwise. The book felt incredibly slow——it takes something like seventy pages for the protagonist, Frida, to end up at the titular school——and then repetitive once Frida was there, a never-ending cycle of mothering classes and being told how characters feel. The satire was sometimes clever, but mostly heavy-handed in a way that felt silly, rather than like it was making a real point. Despite the big emotions we’re told throughout that Frida is feeling, I rarely felt those emotions——except for a run near the end, where things felt so raw that I felt myself choking up and thought this might warrant four stars. Unfortunately, the end came along abruptly, and I was left feeling unsatisfied.
Library updates:
It felt like summer a couple days this past week, and that made me feel a lot of feelings. Mostly good ones, thankfully! I read by the Hudson and walked to the Fire Island Lighthouse, and breathing in warm air and feeling sunshine on my skin made it feel like we’re all going to be okay.
Another big week this week, mostly because, on Tuesday evening, I officially submitted my thesis. Sitting upstairs at Remi43, sipping an iced rose latte, I reread my title page approximately thirty-seven times, stared at my own name until my eyesight went blurry, and finally decided that it was time. I uploaded the PDF and hit submit, and that’s all she wrote. (For now!) (I’ll stop making that joke one day.)
Like everything else in this process, it still doesn’t totally feel real. I’m, like, officially, 100 percent done with my grad program now. And the process that took place largely in my apartment and at assorted coffee shops and shared work spaces across the city came to an end at a cute little plant cafe. That feels right.
Coincidentally, I was meeting up with Britt (hi, Britt!) that evening to see Pride and Prejudice (2005, obviously) on the big screen, so squealing and kicking my little feet when Darcy flexed his hand was the perfect celebration.
I didn’t delve into this so much in the last missive, but for the first half of April, I suddenly started feeling, uh, pretty lonely. I was traveling a lot in March and early April, which was wonderful and I’m so thankful for all those opportunities and trips. But once I was home, I think the exhaustion——from the act traveling itself and from always being “on” to interact with strangers——mingled with the crappy weather we were having here in New York and triggered some cloudy thoughts in my brain. It was also the first time I was home and able to catch my breath in a little while, and I embraced that by just . . . being home. All the time.
I didn’t meant to self-isolate, but that’s definitely what I was doing. And being home alone so much made me realize anew that Penny is really gone. A few months ago, if I went a week barely seeing another human, at least I had her to talk to; now, it’s just me. And when I did have plans the last few weeks, I was usually taking myself to do something, which again meant “performing” for people I don’t know, rather than just talking to friends I love. It was up to me to get myself out of the house, to handle all the logistics, to sit alone in a theater seat or at a coffee shop. It started weighing on me.
So, I’m trying to be more social-thinking. I talked about it in therapy at the start of this past week and it felt good to know I was seeing some actual friends, people I feel comfortable with and enjoy talking to, this week. My goal for the spring and summer is to make plans with people, not just impulse-buy something for myself, assuming no one else will be interested in spending time with me. It takes a little more work to make a plan with someone and not just for yourself, but, for me and my brain, it’ll be worth it. I may be an introvert, but that doesn’t mean I want to or have to be alone all the time. And I need the periodic reminder that I care about people and that people care about me.
Closing thoughts:
Let something bewitch you, body and soul. And then share it with someone else.
